Slow-burn (the liking)

Here is the thing. It doesn’t always happen in a hot jolt, like electric, like lightening- the liking. Sometimes it comes in a soft knowing, a sweet surety- here is safety, here is calm, here is peace, here is laughs tumbling freely without wondering if my cackles are too loud, here is me eating a hearty meal without wondering if there are bits in my teeth because I know you wouldn’t care if there was and you are disgusting and lovely enough to say “come here babe let me get that for you” with a kiss, here is me sitting down and not sucking in, or positioning myself just so, so my stomach doesn’t act like a stomach should, here is me exhaling with a belly full of food eaten happily, completely, eagerly, in front of you, here is me pushing my waist band below that blushing bubble of joy and carbs, here is you rubbing it. Here is you both, us both, exposing your softest parts, your bruised parts, your sweetest parts, your meanest parts, bit by bit, and each piece of knowledge being tucked away for safekeeping, like here, put it in my pocket if it gets too heavy, put it in my hand so I can hold it, rub it on your lips so I can taste it. Often in the hot flash of affection and attraction, in the immediacy, some intimacy is lost, in the quick assertion of “you are mine”, there is a neglect of mining for the heart, the knowledge, the whys, and then it is too late, you are stuck with a bold declaration with no whys to weigh it down, give it depth, purpose, and so it is in danger of floating up into the ether with no direction, to get lost, to thin, fly with the wind.

Sometimes it is a slow warmth that grows and builds, that pours like honey, in layers, thickening, deepening, becoming heavy within, good heavy, secure heavy, sweet heavy, the weight of fresh plucked fruit fat with juice in the palm, like a hand clasp in a chaotic crowd, so you get sticky in the knowledge, so one day you want to look away but you can’t, your eyes are stuck in the here and the now and the you and the me and the us and the this of it all, and sometimes with quick heat comes quick cooling on one side or another, but in the slow “there is something here”, “i like being here” “let me stay and discover here” “here feels like cold hands in front of a log fire” comes a delicious burn that knows itself, is strong in itself, that makes no mistake, that has taken the time to understand where its heat comes from, what it is built from, a flame that knows its source, can always come back for more and come back for more and come back for more, blazing deeper and brighter each time. Here is the thing.

*******

Current read: SMALL WORLDS: Caleb Azumah Nelson. Stunning, beautiful, as always. Available for pre-order. If you haven’t read his debut OPEN WATER, please check it out. Gorgeous, lyrical South London love story.

Current song on rotation: beat of a slow dance, musiq soulchild. I adore musiq soulchild. The first time I heard sobeautiful I was 18 and I listened to it every day on repeat for a good few months, sensual, wooing, romantic, sexy, the kind of love I wanted. beat of a slow dance reminds me of that, but more grown, that feeling substantiated with knowledge.

Most recent watch: YOU. (Spoilers ahead). Bitch, I hate Joe’s evil ass. Nadia should have minded her business but she did not deserve that. Kate (or as I like to call her, Even Posher Bitch Fleabag) is a great example of the indiousness of a certain class of English women, and I actually prefer Love because at least she was honest. She wore her lack of hinges on her sleeve! Kate is essentially a full blown terrorist. Ed Speleers is great, I think he is sexy and I want to put him in a romcom (fun fact, I was trying to remember his character’s name whilst talking to someone and came up with “Giles” instead of “Rhys”. You can see why I came to that conclusion right? Same flavour of name.) Obviously I want to put Penn in a romcom, justice for Woodchuck Todd from EASY A and The Other Tucker from JOHN TUCKER MUST DIE. He is so charming and charismatic, and isn’t it sick and twisted that the same reason why he is excellent at playing a serial killer who makes a compelling narrator is the exact same reason he would be an excellent romantic lead? That being said, I am quite alarmed, concerned and distressed by the amount of people who said that there is “now no longer a Joe to root for” after seeing the series finale. Girlies, with all due respect, be fucking for real. When was there a Joe to root for? He was an unreliable narrator who self-rationalised his disturbing actions whilst villanising everybody else! In the pilot episode, before he even killed anyone, he wanked off while peeping through the window of his target! But even removing that, at very best, he is pretentious, insufferable, will judge you for watching Love Island, and will likely describe himself as a sapiosexual. Anyway I wrote about this for Season 1, so check it out if you want to read me rant some more about how he is The Worst.I want Marianne, Ellie, Sherry and Nadia to band together and give him a slow, painful death <3 . Just spitballing here: lock him up in a glass box while Love Island is projected around the room. Ensure the only books he has access to are ghostwritten biographies of reality TV stars.

To undo the rancid flavour of Joe, let us cleanse the palate with darling Penn Badgley; a Tiktok of Penn dancing , his dancing partner and friend talking about how generous he is and the genesis of the dancing TikToks, Penn singing and playing Brown Sugar by D’Angelo , Penn talking to my dear friend Gena-Mour who is beautiful and gorgeous and charming, while he does his best to keep up, and finally, apropos of nothing, proof of Penn’s Afro-Jamaican heritage (yes the ‘proof’ is one random website but it is enough for me). Do you know what is charming or disturbing depending on which way you look at it? I didn’t even have any of these saved, I just knew they existed in the archives of my mind, cherished and revered as pop cultural artifacts.

Anyway, long time no see pals. I missed you a lot. I have been stuck writing a project and in many ways stuck in myself and I found it hard to sit down and express myself freely. I forgot I had this space. Thank you for being here, and allowing my sporadic (yet very pert and present) ass to rant to you. I appreciate you a lot.

P.S do you like the rundowns of what I have been reading/listening to/watching? Will try and keep it up if you do.

As always,

Love & light,

B xxx