Things I am feeling currently:

• Waves of griefs, that I feel sharply in my bones, on a personal level, on a global level. Loss that is difficult to comprehend, that slips past my reasoning that threatens to lead me to madness. A disbelief that who was here, no longer is, but is, because I feel them, in my heart, in their words, lingering. In the feelings they planted into those who loved them. I am trying to let them bloom, like if I can’t make sense of the loss, maybe their planted presence can promise beauty, can fruit on and fruit on. Pockets of goodness propegating.

• I feel petty and silly, for asking internal, mortifying questions, like “but why wasn’t I invited?”. Small, tiny, questions like, “haven’t I worked hard enough”, and wanting to dive into other people’s minds and excavate the reasons why I wasn’t deemed worthy, when I have those in my life who see and deem me not just ‘enough’ but an overflow. In a way it is empowering to know that these things still come when you have built up an internal confidence, a reminder to always keep a watchful eye on where your worth is situated, who you bestow authority onto. Confidence is a muscle you must exercise, a skill you most hone, a craft you must pay attention to lest it waste away.

• The need to pee. But I feel like if I don’t get this out now here, in this form, I never will. I hope this does not give me a UTI.

• Really grateful that in these past few months I’ve got to travel from one end of the world to another, meet readers, learn, be reminded of the expanse of books, the power of stories, the community that can bloom from that

• The need to watch Hart of Dixie again because inexplicably, a show set in the South with a predominantly white cast that seems to romanticise The Confederacy has become my happy place. More on this later, but trust me. It is sweet and warm and just what you need for a brain massage. Rachel Bilson, your power.

• In love and challenged to grow, because I have been forced to entertain the curious notion that I am not (as previously thought) perfect

• In love and grateful that I have a soft landing and space to grow, getting to see patience, tenderness and radical kindness up close

• Desperately on deadline, but desperately in love with the process of carving and chiselling out this next book, getting to know my characters on a more mature level, getting to know myself as a writer through my maturation process

• Increasingly intrigued by Glen Powell, and his charisma and arms and love of dogs

• Enthralled by the melodrama in Billie Eyelash’s “Wildflower”

• Ancestrally connected to the Fuji drumline in Rema’s MARCH AM. Something takes over me when I hear it, the Yoruba in me leaps at the call, and you cannot tell me that blood is not laced with ancient recognition

• Determined to write all the stories in my heart, undeterred by those who do not understand or seek to mitigate or who have straight up said ‘no’. I’m petty, fuelled by both love and spite.

• Better for having writing this.

• Thankful for this space.

Lots of love,

Bx